Hey, y’all.
It’s been a while, I know.
Here’s the truth: I’ve been pretty depressed for the past few months. In January, when I basically stopped sleeping altogether, I finally got up the nerve to admit defeat and march myself down to my old therapist’s office, who promptly referred me to a psychiatrist, who promptly prescribed anti-depressants.
The adjustments to the medicine — something I’ve always been ambivalent about anyway, but hey, I’m trusting the good doctor for now after “healing myself” definitely did not work — have been weird, and I don’t think it’s over: while I’m generally feeling better mood-wise, these last ones have made me so sensitive to caffeine that even some chocolate triggers a migraine; all of the ones I’ve tried have weird sexual side-effects that I feel fairly certain would simply not be tolerated if antidepressant use were as prevalent among men as it was among women. Switching makes me impossibly sleepy or keeps me awake, and I’m never quite sure which a change will bring.
My therapist, a lovely and wise older woman who reminds me of some kind of lion goddess and who I’d basically like to be by the time I’m her age, has gotten me through some tough times and is doing so again. Her advice was simple: “Do the minimum you can, and don’t put pressure on yourself. Pretend you’re hibernating while you heal; there’s no way around slowing down for a bit; hunker down until the spring, the natural season for waking back up anyway.”
So, that’s what I’ve been doing. It turns out, though, that even in doing “the minimum,” there’s still quite a lot to do to keep my household afloat. Most of my various jobs are somewhat erratic: it’s fairly impossible to keep a schedule because, for the majority of them, tasks are offered to me when they’re needed, which means I’m constantly playing a making-money version that fruit ninja game with little control over when/if it comes flying at me. I did manage to get a steady-ish gig, at least, which has me feeling a little more tranquila. It doesn’t pay as much as the others which means I have to spend more time doing it, but a little security can go a long way when it comes to one’s mental health.
So, I haven’t done too much creativity-wise other than what I’m paid to do; for the rest, I’m still in hibernation, though the sun is starting to peek into a crack through the door, at least. Will spring really and truly arrive? Like, all the way?
That said, I believe my depression is situational, perhaps with a dash of genetic predisposition thrown into the mix. The world is crazy and sad. AI is coming, inevitably, for all the ways I make money in a world where no one has to give you a job but you do have to work to survive. My ex has been, preposterously, insisting for over a year now that he doesn’t have the couple of hours to spare needed to mediate our divorce, meaning I’ll have to sue him at some point if I ever want it to happen (I very much do).
But I’m trying. I’ve got a list of project ideas if I can ever work up the confidence and energy to see them through. I’m happy with my partner; I’m happy with my daughter. I have a nice family and good friends. And I came over to write to you, so that’s progress, right?
Soon, soon. Finding the strength to make things better for ourselves and each other is all any of us can hope to do.
Sarah, I understand your situation, and I sympathize. I realized a couple years ago that for some time I had been mildly depressed–as in thinking excessively about my mortality and living under a dark cloud most of the time. Objectively I knew I had a good life living in México (which I love), with enough resources to be more or less content, having pretty good health, a writing practice that makes me happy, and so on. So I started taking the antidepressant Wellbutrin, which I partly chose because it doesn’t usually have negative side effects in the bedroom, and I have been, and continue to be, pretty darned happy with my life. I truly hope you can do something similar.
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Thanks, Richard! I have been curious about that one and plan to ask that doctor about it, so we’ll see what he says. These headaches are for the birds!
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Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your candid discussion of your personal situation. I can relate, based on my wife’s long-term depression, now managed by meds, and my daughter’s occupation as a free-lance copywriter in the UK (she, too, is worried about AI, and with good reason). Your email touched me.
I am going to take the liberty of sending you an AI-related cartoon, in the hope that it will make you laugh and not cry.
Take care,
Michael Miller
Get Outlook for Androidhttps://aka.ms/AAb9ysg ________________________________
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Thank you for your nice note, Michael! Send away. 🙂
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I’ m sorry to hear so, hope it pass away soon. I don’t recall if you are kind of religious. if so, I’d advise you to pray. Whenever everything fails, what’s only left to us, as humans, is faith.
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There’s a book I love, Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamotte that’s gotten me through some tough times before…I really recommend it!
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https://mega.nz/file/L4kjxChY#Pefi-zoSu1SxME0xD7f-jfy_dv9cwFW-CIMEpeA9EJs
I will reply to you with a cheer-up note a little while later. Meanwhile, I share with you the download link of the movie “Father Stu”. As a Chistian Catholic and Bible Teacher, I find this movie very inspiring and apprising. Be happy, love and let you be loved. Let everything in God’s hands. There is a buch of people who needs you, to whom your writing make us happy and get inspired You’re a valuable and gifted woman, do not forget it. Get rid of side-effect- medicine and soar and bright againg, you know how afterall. You are just passing through a come-and-go mishap. There are people in the world facing a truly hard, unbearable time, say Turkey, Siria, Ukraine. YOU are much more better off. Sorry, but I had to tell you so. Peace be with you and God bless you.
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I read many of your articles from MND – and enjoy them. I like your sharing in the email format, Seems a more real forum.
My past includes a couple of periods of situational depression. My then-therapist was wiser than me and I moved forward.
I wish you great and wonderful things as you hibernate and soak in your therapist’s wisdom.
Matt
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Thanks, Matt! You know, to me I’m just posting blogs on my site…I almost forget that it gets emailed to people, ha! 😀
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Sarah, I am sorry you are having a hard time, if you ever want to talk to someone that has survived through some painful things just call on me, I am an old retired teacher in snowing Vermont, Vince
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Thank you very much, Vince! 🙂
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Sarah, please tell me about the president of Mexico talking about Mayan “duendes” and how the Mexicans are reacting to him, Vince
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Haha I actually haven’t read about the duendes yet, but no matter what he says, the country seems pretty precisely divided between those who adore him the way Trump’s fans adore him, and those who roll their eyes so hard they get stuck in their heads. 😀
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“Aluzes”–a name I hadn’t heard before for “duendes.” A prehispanic pyramid where I live (El Pueblito, Qro) is said to have duendes, but they’ll leave you alone if you have a hand-made cigar in your pocket.
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Did the person who sells handmade cigars tell you that? 😀 hahaha kidding 😉
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Nope, and he gave it to me free of charge.
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Thank you Sarah, Vince
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Sarah, Please tell me about “plan B” Mexico is always a puzzle to me. Vince
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Oh, man, as I understand it, Plan B has to do with the controversy over an effort to weaken a government department that’s supposed to insure honest elections. It’s all extremely controversial, and people on both sides have strong feelings about it. Google it.
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Yeah, I wrote an article about it a few months back…it’s scary, and I’m disappointed that it passed. Here it is if you’re interested: https://mexiconewsdaily.com/columns/sarah-devries/amlo-vs-the-ine/
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Sarah, I have a question: are Mexicans of mix background, I mean Euro-Mexicans kind of what we in common American culture pocker-faced all the time? Vince
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Sorry Vince, I don’t really understand the question. Poker-faced about what?
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Thank you Sarah, My question was a general question, by that I mean that showing feelings is generally frown upon in good Anglo-Saxon faces, but assuming from your name you are of French back ground and living in Mexico you are affected by their histrionic tradition, but your comments reflect a complex .style that most men have a hard time understanding, please tell me more about your background and reaction to Mexico. Vince
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Hi, Vince! Actually, my last name is Dutch (apparently it’s the “Smith” of the Netherlands, haha), and according to my dad, most of my family is German, with some Irish mixed in on my mom’s side. My more recent “ancestors” (the ones I’ve shared at least a few years of the same century with) on my dad’s side have been lots of ministers, many conscientious objectors and pacifists, and educators. I don’t know as much about my mom’s side of the family other than that they’ve been in Texas for a long while. Both of my parents are/were writers (my mom passed in 2018), as is my sister, so in that, I like to think I’m carrying on the family tradition! 🙂
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Thank you Sarah, for taking the time to answer my ignorant question, I really meant to ask about your views about your daily transactions with the local contemporary Mexicans many years ago I spent a year teaching English at long gone military school in Mexico city and half of my students were German-Mexicans, ,Vince
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Hi, Sarah, I’m new to your blog and am so glad I subscribed after reading your most recent piece, about expats’ economic privilege, in MND. I love your writing and am humbled by your honesty, especially as a sometime writer and full-time depression battler (with the help of Cymbalta). There are more people cheering for you than you know. I wish you all the best and look forward to the brighter days in store for you and hearing about them in your lovely prose.
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Oh, thank you Stacy! ❤
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You reached the end of your tether and the best advice, apparently, is to do your minimum. I always found the idea of taking time for myself, or doing my minimum, was something nobody could explain. Who was going to do my stuff while I wasn’t? Anyway, I’m sure your feelings are relatable to lots of people who will take strength from your openness. Un abrazo.
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It’s like “sleep when the baby sleeps” but if you don’t have a baby 😀
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hi Sarah,
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div>I’m so sorry th
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Hi, Elizabeth! I think your note got cut off, but it’s nice to see you write. 🙂
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I am wishing you the very, very best, Sarah. Keep hanging tough and making adjustments and things will most certainly improve. They did for me over the past year. And, yes, I missed your writings. I will be patient.Peace and joy.BZ
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
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Thank you very much! 🙂
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Sarah, I discovered you through your column in MND and especially the one about expat gentrification changing Mexico. My husband and I have been part time residents of Guanajuato for 17 years, where unfortunately I see that very thing happening (though I can’t deny I’m part of the problem).. I’m sorry about your depression, but I thought you might like to know I love your writing. You have a light tone that suggests you aren’t too full of yourself. I’m a writer, too. I’ll keep reading!
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Oh, thank you so much for your kind words, Louisa! ❤
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Hi Sarah, I’m sure your honesty helped others know they’re not alone. It takes courage to tell the truth!If you’re looking for more “how-to” ideas, I can tell you I’m ready to scream with frustration since I got my Mexico number. Especially since I have a new iPhone that only uses e-sims. Anyways, it would be good to know how to go about getting a Mexico number and what to do with your NOB number.Also, I haven’t steeled myself to attempt it yet, but I’m going to open a bank account down here. You explain things quite succinctly so I would love to read about that.Take care,Kelly
Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone
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Oh, I am WITH you on the phone numbers, and still can’t figure out a good solution that doesn’t involve me needing to spend at least $500 initially. I can’t get into one of my oldest credit card accounts online because I don’t have a US phone number, and I just do NOT want to pay $50 a month to be on a phone plan so I can get a notification code that will let me in once a month.
Good luck at the bank! Take your residency card, passport, and two recent bills with your address on them (they don’t need your name), and you should be good. 🙂
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I totally agree about phones, two-factor verification, and the high frustration of not being able to access things in the States that we think of as being “ours,” like bank accounts, pensions funds, etc. Richard
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One person solved this by getting a “dual SIM” card and keeping both her US and Mexican cards in there. I might try it, and will report back if I do! 😀
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I love all your posts – you are sooo “real”.
Just read the one about inflation – I am Canadian living here on just my pension – it is hitting me hard too.
Keep up your writing talent!
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Oh, thank you, Lisa! I love your name, by the way — that’s my daughter’s name, and my sister’s (I named her after my sister, actually, after having determined that there were for sure not enough Lisas in the world :)). I wish you, and all of us, luck against the inflation battle! Thank you for your kind words. ❤
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